Denver Improvement, Denver Self Motivation, Colorado Improvements

Direct Answers - Column for the week of March 22, 2004

Just a note to ask if there are other married women and men who are happy in their marriage and in their affair at the same time? I am fulfilled at home, in the bed and emotionally, with two men meeting my needs.

It would be great if I had found a guy who could satisfy me both emotionally and sexually, but it just didn't happen. My partner is also married and feels the same way. We will never leave our spouses, and they are unaware why we don't hound them for physical intimacy anymore. They are both relieved of the pressure, and there are no more fights or silences.

People stay married for many reasons, and not all problems can be worked out. The four of us are friends, and I sometimes wonder if they would even object. Let's face it. There are those who just do not like sex! I believed in no sex before marriage, and now I know why my guy was okay with that! He is not gay, but just says it's not what it's cracked up to be.

Chastity

Chastity, in one of P.G. Wodehouse's books, Bertie Wooster quotes something Jeeves told him. "There can be no love where there is not perfect trust."

When people learn about a spouse's infidelity, they feel their world has come crashing down. We have never gotten a letter from someone who found out their mate was chronically unfaithful, and they were happy about it. They feel deceived and lied to. There are therapy groups where people talk about D-day, the day they learned of their spouse's infidelity.

You are explaining things to yourself in a way which justifies you and makes your spouse the problem. But go ahead and try to prove your claim. Tell your husband tonight, and encourage your "partner" to tell his wife.

Wayne & Tamara

No Higher Ground

I have two friends I recently learned were, or are, in a gay relationship. I say "were or are" because one of them, Tom, is saying the relationship was a mistake and over before it started. The other one, Ray, says he walked away from one aspect of their relationship, but is not willing to give Tom up as a friend. Tom says Ray is "a friend I can't get rid of."

I discovered the relationship by noticing Ray is extremely possessive of Tom. Ray becomes jealous and angry when Tom is with his straight friends. To look at Tom with those straight friends you would never guess in a million years he is gay. Tom has gone to extreme measures to make sure his friends know nothing about Ray.

Ray keeps a picture of Tom on his desk at work, and he is extremely upset if Tom can't meet him for lunch. Tom, on the other hand, panics at the thought of his family finding out about Ray. I am not to mention Ray's name around Tom's friends or family, which makes me feel extremely disloyal to Ray.

Tom truly wants Ray out of his life, but Ray threatens to out Tom to his friends and family if he breaks off their relationship. I care for both of them, and neither of them will seek professional help. What can I do to help them? Or should I just step away from the whole thing?

Phyllis

Phyllis, no one is on the higher moral ground here. Tom wants you to lie and hide his life from people who care about him and think they know him. Ray is trying to blackmail Tom into a relationship.

Both are seeking, or sought, a relationship they are not entitled to. You would like to champion a cause, but neither Tom nor Ray has a cause to champion. Perhaps their collision will induce some truth and reality into each of their lives. Stay out of it.